So

Right now sucks. I don't even want to do this anymore. I'd like to think that there's people out there who care about something, I hope so, but I guess not? I guess the world's just fallen off of a cliff, starting to roll down, maybe getting dirty...

Really?

It's like everything's going awesome, then life delivers one swift kick in the balls for good measure. It's funny how one simple thing in life, that really has nothing to do with you and might've affected you a year ago can make it suck now.

So not over it.

From a deleted paragraph of an assignment.

The most important thing in my life right now is music. It brings me to a serene place where I can dream about the things I can be and the things I can do. I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet, but right now I’m frustrated by the lack of something in my life, and sometimes I feel music is the only escape to some kind of future I can be proud of, some future where I can make light for other people, whether it be with music, or science. I often am left with so many thoughts, yet I am unable to express them properly through words, with that, music

The Reeling.

I recently obtained a copy of Passion Pit's new CD, "Manners" (go get it now). The album's fourth track, "The Reeling" left me reeling.


We dug these holes
We crawled into
Now they're my home
Now here I cannot feel the wind
Can't feel the rain or cold
And I believe in gentle harmony
How I loath all this obscenity!
Is this the way my life has got to be?
Have I a single opportunity?
Look at me
Oh, look at me
Is this the way I'll always be?
Oh no-Oh no
And now I dream that somebody
Will swiftly come and kidnap me
Oh no-Oh no
And everyday I lie awake
And pray to God today's the day
Oh no-Oh no
But here I am oh here I am
Oh when will someone understand?
Oh no-Oh no
And all at once I feel this
Oh how it clings to me
It reels and calls me towards some
Confounding destiny
And I can feel the madness inch by inch
The more I run the more I am convinced
I've colored all these like the
Branche's twist
Just like we settle in the frothy mist


I got chills, and they're multiplyin'

Useless.

I've never felt more useless than how I do right now. There are these people who are doing these amazing things, helping people, every day. It just seems that everything I do is insignificant compared to others. I don't see the point in doing something for myself really anymore. It's not like I'm depressed or anything, I just feel like I should be doing something more, right now. Anyone want to help?

Thinking thoughts.

Last night I couldn't go to sleep.

It was like a million thoughts were racing through my head at a million miles an hour. Dwelling on each one no longer than a second or two.

Every thought revolved around one person.

TRIFOARCE!!!!!

▲

▲ ▲

Hell yes...

But yeah, I'm having a garage sale this weekend, deals galore!

*gag*

They don't...

Make movies like this anymore...







I'm going to have a huge nostalgia movie day, I'm just going to watch all of the movies I've grown up on.

So you guys.

I'm watching The Super Mario Bros. Movie right now.











You're jealous...

I'll just leave this here for you, this book changed the way I think about things...

It's dance. It's dance, dance, dance. That's fun. Fun's fun, and fun's what you can have. There's nothing to stop you from fun. Do you see the bodies? Can you smell the beat? Then you'll come roar with us. Come and throw your boots at superstars. Come thrash in the cool until your head opens up, and you see the veins of the people you love bright as branches against the sky, and burnt in your brain will be the fun, all of the fun, and the lights, and the Doppler fade of screaming you heard...

Keep thinking. You can hear our brains rattling inside us, like the littler Russian dolls.




Doing this makes me feel stupid.



See? Because I'm saying these things, that I KNOW aren't popular opinion, and because I KNOW you aren't going to read this, the way I've been raised tells me to follow the herd and stop thinking about it. Stop questioning things. It's so hard for me to put my thoughts into words, if I didn't have some way to write them down, they'd float away in the wind, never to be seen again. I just hope someone agree's with me somewhere.

The future.

We enter a time of calamity. Blood on the tarmac. Fingers in the juicer. Towers of air frozen in the lunar wastes. Models dead on the runways, with their legs facing backward. Children with smiles that can't be undone. Chicken shall rot in the aisles.

See the pillars fall.


Please tell me you know who this is...






I'm scared of the future.


I'm scared of originality and decency dying. We're seeing the start of it now. The decline of civilization as we know it. Look for it, and you'll notice it to.

A list of Things I Want To Do

1. I want to live in Newport.
2. I want to go shopping for groceries at a farmer's market in the morning fog.
3. I want to go to some bad store, and see a cute girl there. She knows I'm there and I know she's there, but we don't say anything. We both end up going there every day, knowing the other is going to be there, but we never say anything.
4. I'll eventually get the courage to talk to her.
5. I want to have a cat, and name him Thomas Kemper.
6. People will ask me why and I'll just shrug and grin: "I just really like that name, that's all"
7. ????
8. PROFIT
9. I want to go back in time and make it so that I wouldn't understand what that means.
10. I want to walk on the beach during a sunset, realizing just how cliche and corny it is, and smile.
11. I never want to forget my music.
12. I want to change somebody's life, for the better, of course. Even if they don't know it, I want to be able to help someone, even if it's in the smallest way possible.
13. I want to have a VW bus.
14. I want to do the things on this list.
15. I want someone to do it with.
16. I want to meet Brett Dennen.
17. I want my mom to be better.
18. I want to learn acoustic guitar better.
19. I want people to stop worrying about themselves, and start worrying about others.
20. I want to march in the nwmbc again.
21. I want to keep on adding to this until I'm old, then look back and feel something.
22. I want to meet someone who will change the way I think about the coventional way of living.
23. I want other people to have empathy.
24. And respect, for other people.
25. I want to have an adventure in Portland, peeking around corners, discovering amazing places with amazing people.




more to come.

Isn't it interesting?

Isn't it interesting how much we've degenerated as people? As a society? Being on of the many born with the internet, I have no idea what my parents are talking about when they mention "the good old days." Of course, I understand, but I am unable to envision a world where children gathered around the radio for their favorite broadcast and the coolest way for them to communicate was with two cans and a piece of string. I was watching TMZ today, much to my distaste (my mother is the one watching it, really) and I thought to myself "why are we spending so much of our lives focusing on another's? The commonfolk go to such great lengths to expose every little detail of these people's lives. "Brad Pitt goes shopping! He buys diapers just like the rest of us!" It's to these lengths where people actually call it entertainment that sicken me. In this, I believe, that our society is most pathetic. Although it's not just about "celebrities", it's about advertising and consumerism as we know it. Isn't it interesting how we spend so much time and money trying to look like these famous people? Why? Because they're beautiful? Who says they're beautiful? Who says that you're not beautiful enough, and you need a product to be as beautiful as these "beautiful" people? We will never be as good as these people because they are no better than us. There are people making millions trying to figure out what you people think is beautiful, and how to convince you that their image of beauty is the only one. Shouldn't the decision of what's cool and beautiful be made by the general public? It shouldn't be made by an old fart sitting behind a desk making millions, that's for sure...I guess we are imitators by nature now, and our individual thoughts are meshed together into one gray mass that will buy anything that the celebrities shove down our throats. The most depressing thing is that, although I believe these things, I'm still a part of that big gray blob. This outburst of random thought is scratching the surface of something much deeper than I can fathom. We're all part of a herd, just being fattened up for profit, and there isn't a damn thing any of us can do about it

I want...

Just a stray thought, have you ever been stuck in this situation where everybody expects something of you, whether it be something of a high expectation, or maybe a low expectation? I was just thinking about how there can be so much more to a person, but because of these expectations, or maybe because of a fear of being thought of as different, there is a whole different personality that becomes hidden, that could've been something beautiful?


I was thinking the other day, about how we live our lives as a culture, and I was kind of depressed about it. We're sitting here with our shows and games that we believe is such an important part of our lives, when there is huge swathes of life to live. I realized how I was living like that, stuck to the couch, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to look back on my life and describe it as "beautiful". One day I'm going to move somewhere quiet by the water where beautiful is right there every morning when I walk out my door. I want to live life constantly wondering about the many different wonders you can find in this world, and finding them out. I want to be different, although not nessicarily noticed for being so. I want to be different from the people who live their entire lives in their box of a job, home, TV. I want to travel. I want to travel to places with names that my friends and family can't pronounce, and then I'll correct them all the time. I want to be able to help people. I want to teach people things when they are unable to learn, I want to help people when they are unable to help themselves, and I want to help people live a beautiful life when they are unable to live. I want my kids to remember me as a bear-hug dad who knows how to laugh. I want to change the world for the better one day. There is so much more to life, and I want to live it.